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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 2, 2012 1:30am-2:00am PDT

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i have a pennsylvania line in my speech an captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight new york after sandy. welcome to the city that never showers. (laughter) then mitt romney scores an unlikely endorsement, mitt romney from two months ago. and my guest david byrne and st. vincent have a new album called love this giant. it's a fan letter to chris christie. a new report says that paul ryan likes to shoot deer with handguns. and when he finds out who leaked that to the media that deer is going to get it. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing )
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcomed to report, everybody! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen slarm stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) nation, thank you so much. i am so happy you're all here with me in the wake of hurricane sandy. countedless people are still struggling. and before we go on i would like to address the millions in the tristate area without power. and i'm going to talk a little louder right now because i know their tvs aren't working. (laughter) power challenged nation, please put down the peanut butter are you licking out
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of your mousetrap and just listen up for a minute. i want to you hang in there. the national guard is assisting the jersey shore. governor chris christie and president obama have been strategizing together on the cleanup. and joe biden is using his teeth to illuminate hoboken. folks-- (cheers and applause) lovely set of choppers. now folks we've all been affected by the storm. even me. yes, i still have power at both my office and my home and my other home. and gas and heat and phone service and my t1 line is still lightning fast. and my toast certificate still making top-notch toast. but i did have to take in my neighbor allen after he lost power. i set him up on a cot in the gar achblingt he should feel right at home surrounded by all of his tools i have borrowed. (laughter) i told him--
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(applause) i told him if he gets cold just start the car. (laughter) but folks, that is nothing compared to the ordeal i went through this morning. you see, mayor bloomberg's letting only cars with three or more passengers cross the bridges and tunnels into manhattan. an of course normally it's just me and my driver hector. so this morning i had to-- i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i'm sorry this is hard to get out. this morning, instead of going in hector's audi a 8 l with the heated leather seats i had to-- take the bus. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yes. a public bus. (laughter) with the public in it. i couldn't find the seat
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warmer so i kept pulling on that string to call the steward es but nobody came. they never even brought out the drij car. i felt like viggo mortenson on "the road" come on bloomberg i know this is a once in a lifetime storm but it's been two days. what's the holdup? how hard is it to drain seawater from 20 miles of subway tunnels? throw a few shamwow's down there. we have the technology! god, please. don't make me go on that bus with those people again. they wore denim, everywhere. (laughter) now folks, if you watched this show you know i don't like to jump to conclusions. i make conclusions come to me. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) nation, there is nothing i love more than taking pictures with my iphone.
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it is so convenient. when i was a kid we had to duct tape a polaroid camera to our rotary phone. bonus t held 20 songs if you also hot glued a record player to it. and the best part about this little technological marvel is that it allows me to document my life wrefer i go from concerts to family gatherings, to spontaneous eruptions of applause for from my studio audience. (cheers and applause) how lucky i have this thing. sadly, even with my iphone there are still memorable moments that i miss. well, a swedish company has created a new device that will solve that problem. >> sometimes the best moments in life are the simple ones so we started thinking if we could build a camera small enough to never be in the way and smart enough to capture life as we live it.
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this is what we ended up with. the memoto life log camera. just clip it on and it starts taking pictures and all the pictures are safely stored on memoto's storage surface. >> stephen: at last. i cannot tell you how many times i've been buying printer toner at staples or pairing my socks and thought why am i not capturing this on film. moments gone forever. so folks, a tip of my hat to constant documentation. finally someone has made a wearable camera that automatically takes a picture every 30 seconds. if i had this a year ago i could have captured the beginning and end of tim pawlenty's campaign in two pictures. (applause) folks-- folks, i love this little device. or at least i will love it when i eventually see pictures of myself having
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loved it. so why limit myself to just my life. that's why i'm going get memotos for all my friends and my family so they can capture the real action, me. now the only problem is i don't think a-- think a picture every 30 seconds is enough. if only there was some way to visually experience my life in realtime. get on it, apple. where's my ii, i've been waiting for five years. next up on tips of the wiz el, throughout the election pundits have wondered whether mitt romney's faith could hurt his chances. >> we know from extensive polling as well as an deck-- anecdotally and culturally that evangelical does do not favor a mormon candidate. >> for a lot of evangelical christians, they didn't consider mormonism even christianity. >> stephen: of course, how can it be christianity if it is not televised with an 800 number.
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so to countser this problem, romney has appealed to the reverend billy graham, an evangelical titan and religious advisor to 12 presidents. one more and he gets a free foot long in heaven. but folks there is a catch. billy graham's own web site lists mormonism as a cult along with jehovah witness, scientologist and unitarians. oh yes, the dang just-- dangerous cult of unitarianism, their rules are so loose that their tle sacred fixes are the old testament, the new testament and free to be you and me. (applause) so ladies and gentlemen, a miracle has occurred for mitt. because with god all things are deletable. >> a meeting with mitt romney seems to have changed evangelist billy graham view of mormons, he removed references to mormonism as a cult after meeting with him.
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>> romney took some time in north carolina to visit billy graham. graham told romney that will do, quote, all i can to help romney win the white house. >> though in fairness the 93-year-old graham has said the same thing to his coatrack. so a tip of my hat to the reverend billy graham for disencultfewing more mondayism. folk, i agree, billy graham's web site definition of cult says they are those belief systems that do not adhere solely to the 66 books of the bible as the inspired word of god. and add their special revelations to the bible. well, folk, the book of mormon isn't a special revelation. it is jesus fan fiction. right after jesus comes to america to preach to the indians, he and edward cullen baptize dumbledore. but great, gripping, gripping. but the biggest reason mormons are no longer a cult
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is that now a mormon might beat obama. and that is great news for other cults. all you have to do to be reclassified as a legit mass-- legit mat religion by billy graham is be a viable republican candidate. sorry ron paul fans, you're still a cult. (laughter) but scientologists, you can get off the list as soon as your galactic overlord xenu wins the iowa straw poll. after all, crazier things have happened. we'll be right back. x)-x:p-x
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>> stephen: welcome back e everybody, my guest tonight are new york rockers, like most of the city, i assume they're unplugged. please welcome david byrne and st. vin set. (cheers and applause) >> hey, david, nice to see you again, hey, thanks so much for coming. >> thank you. >> david this say return trip. >> yes. >> stephen: couldn't stay away. >> couldn't stay away, the weather is good. >> stephen: it's lovely, isn't it? i love things after a disaster. they say you can't have a rainbow until you have had a once every two century
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storm. thank you so much for come on the show. >> thank you for having me. >> now both you live in new york, correct? >> correct. >> okay, how are you dealing, dow guys have power? >> no. >> stephen: you don't. >> or water. >> stephen: you guys are downtown. >> yeah. >> stephen: i bet all those sellouts in the upper east side don't seem so stupid do they. your artistic ties are paying for your art right now. >> we went to brooklyn to take showers. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: i have a shower in my office if you want to -- >> annie. >> stephen: go up there. >> can i borrow it. >> stephen: why don't all three of us, you know-- we are all show business types, right? we'll set up a web cam and raise money for victims. a thought. (cheers and applause) >> maybe not. >> stephen: now david you're a rock 'n' roll hall of famer over there. >> i believe so. >> stephen: okay. now annie kerx i call you annie. >> please. >> stephen: okay, you perform under st. vincent,
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why st. vincent, not annie. >> well, i took my mondayic frere a song which references the hospital where dylan thomas died. >> stephen: oh, okay. >> yeah. >> stephen: so it is an upbeat choice. >> yeah. >> stephen: all right. so now he is intimidating to work with, this guy say legend. by the time you were born he had four all burjs already working with brian eno, and you were just finished guess tating. does he ever, like, play like the i'm a legend card on you. >> i have never heard him say i'm a legend. >> stephen: he never says like, well, back in cbgbs we used to or back when there was a music industry we used to-- now why are you, you're a legend, no offense, why are you bringing her along? you don't need her? no offense, again, you don't need that are you david goddamn byrne why are you doing this? >> do you think is a bad idea then? >> stephen: well, i don't
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know. the music sounds fantastic, don't get me wrong it is a fantastic sound. you have a brass band in there. >> we do have brass bands, they are great. we like them. >> stephen: that old choice, from 2012. >> the place we thought we were going to play, where we were going to oddician some of these songs didn't have much of a pa, a sound system so we thought it was actually annie's idea said well, if we have a brass group, i thought yeah, then we wouldn't need a sound system because they would be loud enough by themselves. >> stephen: that is perfect for new york right now because for half the city there is no sound system. how did you create this album together? did you guys get together and just thrash out songs in a garage or something? >> no, we didn't. we worked on files and songs individually and then sent them to each other over e-mail. >> we did get together. we went to see movies in theatre and have dinner together. (laughter)
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>> stephen: so you dated in your free time and said this is nice, let's see how this works as a could lab raise away from each other. >> yeah. >> stephen: why e-mail? why such an archaic technology as e-mail. you know the kids all text now. they don't e-mail. >> i know, or twitter. we could have made the record by tweets. >> stephen: yeah, each one would be like very haiku like. >> short songs. >> stephen: but how long before you got together to dot music together if you collaborated via e-mail? >> we are were both like we would have tours, we would have other records that we were doing in the meantime. we were in no hurry to do this. so in between we would get together for like three or four days and record a bunch of songs like four songs, and then go okay, that was goo. -- good. >> stephen: annie, are you an artist. >> sometimes, yeah. >> stephen: yeah, are you one of those i asked david
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last time he was here, are you one of those artists who has trouble with the idea that you might actually be ode? no, no i don't mean that as a bad thing. i mean that most of humanity, and i asked new last time, humanity is what we think of as common or ode. i think sometimes artists are trapped by their need to be extraordinary. and they distance themselves sometimes from people. dow ever fear that by being an artist, being extraordinary you miss out on some of human's ode existence? >> i feel pretty ode. >> stephen: because you don't have power or a shower? david, you have thought about my question any more since the last time we talked? are you extraordinary or dow feel a need to be extraordinary or are you ode person. >> i make a great effort to be ode. >> stephen: how is that working? (laughter) well i tell you what, let's do some extraordinary music. thank you so much, annie.
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david. we'll be right back with a performance by david lirn and st. vincent
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>> stephen: and now with a song off their new album, love this giant, ladies and gentlemen, david byrne and st. vincent. ♪ ♪
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♪ whole's be my valentine? ♪ ♪ whole's lift this heavy load ♪ ♪ whole's share this taxi cab? ♪ ♪ who wants to climb aboard? ♪ ♪ who is an honest man? ♪ ♪ who is an honest man? ♪ ♪ who's help the tired soldier ♪ ♪ from from his own hometown ♪ ♪ carry these men and women ♪
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♪ who get lost when the sun goes down ♪ ♪ who is an honest man? ♪ ♪ who is an honest man? ♪ ♪ who walks this dusty road ♪ ♪ who always pulls their weight? ♪ ♪ who's this? ♪ ♪ inside of me ♪ who made a big mistake ♪ who see these constellations ♪ ♪ seen in those spinning around ♪ ♪ carry this men and women ♪ who get lost ♪ when the sun goes down? ♪
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♪ who is an honest man? ♪ ♪ who is an honest man? ♪ ♪ o with a grateful motion she sat down slowly ♪ ♪ drank a cup of coffee ♪ and she'll follow her laundry ♪ ♪ she begins to tell us ♪ all her life story ♪ all around the table ♪ everybody's staring ♪ who shouts out hallelujah ♪ who's gonea sing out loud ♪ ♪ carry these men and women ♪ ♪ who get lost when the sun goes down ♪ ♪ who's getting out of here?
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♪ ♪ who thinks they're wide awake ♪ ♪ who's gone a be my friend ♪ ♪ around this table ♪ everybody staring ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, thank you that was beautiful, thank you very much, thank you, sir. thank you. david byrne and st. vincent. love this giant.
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(cheers and applause) hú9s9s9sny q@ hqf,x,xpbpbá%%$%$-t-t5úl(1úl
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>> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody, don't forget to pack red cross 90999. good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh